“Take 10 minutes. Sit, Write. Whatever comes to mind, let it flow free and just write it down. Write down ALL the thoughts words, concepts, worries, everything – that strolls through your mind in the span of 10 minutes.” mlmm writing prompt, December 25, 2016; image: Barbara A Lane via pixabay
Not the cheeriest of free writes, but what came into my mind and organized into a story (minimal editing for typos and misunderstandingos):
The thought came unbidden, as such thoughts always did: “This is my last Christmas.”
She had been forcing string through the top loops of shiny metal jingle bells; stringing them to hang on the rose bushes.
The sort of thought like S is pregnant again, A will get an underserved promotion, K will kill himself that popped into her mind from some ancient feral place within her. A place that knew.
No fatalistic vision – just a knowing. Not born of living within the bipolarsphere or with relentless depression.
Her major change towards the season did not seem like one made by someone experiencing her last: less cards sent, less gifts given; less acknowledgement of Christmas. As always, stuffed animals for a charity so 12 or so children wouldn’t have to sleep alone. Bought on sale throughout the year, she felt good delivering the Christmas-themed tote to the chosen charity.
Perhaps adorned the house she watched more – the outside show of pretend inside inhabitation. Such as decorating the large maple, bonsai spruce, and bank of rose bushes in the front, and the cedars that peeked out from beyond the perpetually open side gate. Strung the bells bought last year, but missing, as usual, a box of Christmas as if Scrooge’s pre-redemption ghost dwelt in her attic and rearranged things in December.
To at least a degree, all the cards were hand-made; the first time in 10 years. Maybe that was the trigger or the result of her thought. Standing in the driveway, fingers cold and bleeding from prickly roses. She took it calmly, as all such thoughts must be. Would forget – the “surprisingly early atrophied” parts of her brain must be her memory foam lost it’s reshaping properties – might remember with a start re-stringing metal jingle bells to hang on these or other rose bushes next Christmas or one beyond that or within this coming calendar year, as her life was slipping away.
(c) Lorraine
December 27, 2016 at 6:18 pm
This also reminds me of the movie I watched where the woman literally woke up each new day forgetting any of the previous ones. Maybe it was called 100 1st dates? Anyway she finally got married even had children. But her hubby (they actually lived on a house boat (I think) knew she’d wake in a panic of strangeness left the same note on her pillow which said; “It’s OK you are safe watch the (VCR) tape. Which showed them getting married and the birth of the children…
Hugs too. Even those of us who look like we are 100% there also have our own issues. But life goes on and I can only hope for you and everyone the best of the new year to come.
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December 27, 2016 at 9:14 pm
I think it was 500 first dates.
Wishing you a bright and brilliant 2017.
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December 26, 2016 at 12:13 pm
Reading this and I think “oof” ….. because the undercurrents are so relevant to me – they tap into the primal, feral, base instinctual feelings, knowings and thoughts that I hold within myself – the ones that baffle, confuse and scare the hell out of me – because they come unbidden, unwelcomed, and certainly, it’s not “polite” to openly share …. which in my head, means I think, “F*ck! I (boldly highlighted and overly emphasized) must be (how can it be any thing but?) me – (the onus of a “responsibility” that I bear, unwillingly, unwittingly???) that is (an absolute definitive) crazy (the edge upon which I stand all of the time) ….. and yet, I stand here before you, and say “thank you” – because the truth is, and I don’t know if you feel this too, but it wears really thin on the spirit, soul, psyche in having to always “apologize” for the way we are – because God (or whomever, whatever) knows, that we are so so much more than “the darkest feelings, knowings, understandings” – and yet, I – I can’t find the means, ways or words, to express anything other than this.
Does any of this make sense? I hope so.
And just because
((((Lorraine))))
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December 26, 2016 at 12:20 pm
Yep, makes sense. Like you, I can’t express them — what if it’s just a thought, what if I influence it into happening, then damn it happens and you think. . .
Like you, I can’t find the words to express the thinness or the feeling, but I perfectly understand what you said. (((((Pat))))) because.
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December 26, 2016 at 12:23 pm
okay …. sigh of relief, and deep appreciation …. in what, silent complicity and understanding? Either way, I am grateful, because if there are at least 2 of us, then there has to be more of us out here in the world, and if anything, this gives me comfort in knowing that “we” can’t be crazy and honestly, “it’s not us” – which is how it most often gets thrown back at us … or so it seems.
And thanks for the hugs. :)
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December 26, 2016 at 12:25 pm
Yes we must be part of a community yet to find itself for the reasons we have in terms of expressing the “it.”
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December 26, 2016 at 12:27 pm
nodding head in understanding ….. it’s a lonely place ….. so I hold great comfort in at least being in more than excellent company (have to at least say something good here, right?? [big smiles])
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December 26, 2016 at 2:45 pm
Of course, saying otherwise would be well, impolite? {big smiles back}
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December 26, 2016 at 5:10 pm
and I am anything but P.C. …. besides, what are good friends for, other than truth telling and lots of smiles, shoulders and good thoughts, hugs and love?
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December 26, 2016 at 5:11 pm
Exactly that’s what good friends are for.
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December 26, 2016 at 12:26 pm
Oh and you are most welcome for the hugs. Any time you need them, and I don’t figure it out for myself, just ask.
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December 26, 2016 at 12:27 pm
LOL …. same goes, right back :)
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