For Jane Dougherty’s Micro Fiction Challenge # 25 The Red Tree. (Image: Virginia Frances Sterret)
Rather long and dark so all critiques welcome. I was drawn to how her hair was worn, long braid in front like a leash or chain, as if she had been lead to the tree as a prisoner of some sort. Judicious pruning is needed.
At the suggestion of Jane and several readers, rather than pruning, I am planting another paragraph – a dénouement, a transition. I hope this is the sort of transitory point folks had in mind – let me know if the italicized paragraph below creates the right end/beginning/end. Thanks!
They had used her long braid as a leash, pulling her to the chamber of the tree of truth. Her false accusers, jury and judge sat just beyond her sight in the darkness, while a few stars spilled out of a clouded sky. Her fate hung upon the tree – apple, apricot, grape, pear, plum – one fruit held her salvation; the others held her death.
“Choose witch, harridan, harlot” the assembly chanted, “Choose.” The fruit she picked would be dissected – if her tale were true, the signs would be in the pulp, the pith, the seeds, the pit – her fortune told there. If a witch – the fruit would be barren, or the tale told of witchery and evil. Then to the pyre. She could almost smell the kindling catch, then the larger pieces, wood smoke enshrouding her as the flames crept up towards her feet.
She must choose well, she must choose right. She thought upon each fruit in turn:
apricot small, like ripening breasts; sweet delight of jam and dried to candy confection; a lover’s dream
apple juice dripping from chin or bubbling, beneath, from pie; stored away in hay to last winter’s winds
peach fuzz soft against skin; sensuous; delicate hidden secret flesh so easily bruised and broken
plum dark deep; exotic; transformation to prune new life sucked out as an shriveled old crone with powers of her own
pear shape of woman sharing in her sweet juices; her births and sorrows; unpicked, shrivels on the branch
grapes thick skinned beauties with willing soft fruit; bearing many seeds; fermenting into wine; wrapping the drunken in its leaves; binding itself to it’s master alone.
Which best told her truths. Which would not be barren, nor devil-sent when she plucked it.
“Choose witch, harridan, harlot.” The chants became more strident. “Choose, choose, choose!!!!!!” as, with a small, prayer she raised her right arm towards the tree. The sound of wood chopping and pyre construction could be heard even above the roar of the assembly.
To hisses and hoots of derision, she reached high and plucked her fruit from the tree, whispering “Please hold the truths of my life.” A hand shot out of the dark, grabbing her choice before she might recant. The faceless voice of the judge said,“Be this then your choice.” “Yes,” she said, standing taller and stronger than she felt. “It is the fruit of my salvation.” The judge smugly pronounced, “We shall see, yes, we shall see.” The pyre continued to be built.
Ruffling the child’s hair, she said, “And that, little one, is why the grape vines are known as ‘red knots’ and these grapes as ‘choice.’” The child looked up and smiled, “Hungry!” “Off to orchard we go then,” the old woman said, leaning on her cane of red wood, “I will tell your fortune from the pit or the seeds of the fruit you choose.” She murmured, “So choose wisely, little one, chose wisely.”
© Lorraine
December 8, 2016 at 7:10 am
I didn’t read the story before you added the extra paragraph, but I think it works well. Otherwise, I think there’s too sharp a break between the two parts. I liked how even though the first part was fantasy, it made me think of all the women who’ve been accused of being witches and put to crazy tests (though usually there was no way they could prove they were not witches), and then how the story evolved into a sort of folk tale explanation to a child.
LikeLike
December 8, 2016 at 11:28 am
Thank you for the kind critique. It is helpful to have folks give honest opinions on what works, etc. when writing.
Yes, all tests were stacked against a woman proving she wasn’t a witch. I wanted a tale where perhaps the woman won out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 8, 2016 at 12:19 pm
I like that. :)
LikeLike
December 4, 2016 at 5:48 am
I, having been transported into your weirdly wonderful tale could revel in the descriptions and the italic portion weighed just right for me. A strong write with the ambience of a time long past. Well done!
LikeLike
December 4, 2016 at 8:52 am
Thanks — I’m glad the italicized paragraph worked as a segue for you! I tried to write in fairy taleze.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 4, 2016 at 8:56 am
I stretched myself to use the illustration in another direction. We need to challenge ourselves to learn. I enjoy the way you write.
LikeLike
December 4, 2016 at 11:20 am
I will have to read your response. Stretching our writing is always an interesting exercise, experiment and experience.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2016 at 2:17 pm
This is really great. I love the different descriptions of the fruits. I do have to agree with everyone else that you need something in between the last two paragraphs as it does feel a bit jarring, but the last paragraph as the ending works very well
LikeLike
December 3, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Thank you for your honest commentary.
I am thinking on how to segue better between the two paragraphs — to smooth the ending/beginning.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2016 at 2:29 pm
That’s great, I’m sure you’ll come up with something. :)
LikeLike
December 3, 2016 at 1:36 pm
Wow! this is a great piece – really – all the lines throughout really are simply, yet each tells the story – I particularly love how you’ve “essenced” each fruit – and I have to say – I too think the last paragraph is a rather too quick abrupt shift in time …. it’s powerful on its own, to be sure – and is a solid ending – there is something that needs to sandwich itself in between – the second to last paragraph. So as Jane suggested … something there to consider. But apart from this? I really love how this is written Lorraine -stylistically and all – and it’s just the right length for a fairytale/fable …. a story with a story. :)
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2016 at 10:23 pm
I did try a segue way paragraph — we’ll see if it helps to blend the two stories and provide an end/beginning/end
Thanks for your honest commentary — I appreciate that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 4, 2016 at 9:21 am
you’re welcome – always a pleasure to read :)
LikeLike
December 3, 2016 at 6:23 am
I like it. The story has the quality of all the best folk tales, has the reader ‘listening’ for the denouement with bated breath. Which is why I think you need a denouement before you switch to the ‘listener’s’. The last part is a good, ambiguous end to the whole story, but it seems to me it would be better not pruned but with an extra bit added as a transition.
LikeLiked by 2 people
December 3, 2016 at 7:43 am
Thanks, Jane — I’ll put on my thinking ball cap and work on that “extra bit” this weekend. I knew you would locate the where the writer/gardener need ply their trade!
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 3, 2016 at 7:49 am
It’s just another pair of eyes and another way of doing it :)
LikeLike
December 3, 2016 at 10:25 pm
Thanks for the suggestion, echoed by other readers. I have added an additional paragraph (in italics) before the final one. I hope this one helps with the end/beginning/end sense on the story.
Thanks for your suggestion, and another intriguing image to write to.
LikeLike